Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
