got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
