My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
