i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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