I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
try to milk me bitch
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