You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
