I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize
