Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
Randomize
