Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Randomize
