I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
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Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
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Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
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