i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
My liver just had a heart attack.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
3 2 1 whiskey
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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