You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
