The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
