I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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