I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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