Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Randomize
