I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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