You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
