Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
what day is it and did you see me today?
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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