just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
