sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
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