And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
