i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
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