he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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