If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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