Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
