So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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