Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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