I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
