you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
