i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
