I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
