I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
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