hotel room ftw
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Randomize
