i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
