quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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