upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Randomize
