I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
Randomize
