All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
My mother expressed her concerns about my drinking via a facebook message.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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