There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
There's a naked man in my car right now.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
