Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
as a side note pls kill me
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
