You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
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There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
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Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
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