pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Randomize
