my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
