when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
