yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
