My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Cruel joke of nature. Hair on head runs from face, and hides on various parts of body. Aging sucks.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I love Japanese schoolgirls with short skirts riding bikes on windy days.
You're never coming back, are you?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
