Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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