I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
