That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Randomize
