I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
It's blow job season.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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