Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
