Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
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