got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Text me some of your sweat
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
