and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
