drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Just hooked up on shake weight girl's dad's porsche. What are YOU doing with your life?
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
