i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
