My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
