I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Randomize
