need another drink. this is the easiest way
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
