we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
