You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
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I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
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The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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