I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.