Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
Randomize
