I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.