You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂